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Reading Notes: Seven Secrets of Vishnu Part B
Seven Secrets of Vishnu: Matsya I've loved looking at these videos so far because the ideas that it portrays. I would say that my fa...
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My Cousin (right) and I (Left) Hey y'all! My name is Miriam but my friends call me Mimi. Feel free to call me whichever! If you ... -
Link to Portfolio Queen Kaikeyi and her servent Kooni Have you ever had a friend who is so beautiful but so daft? She is so pretty an...
Miriam,
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed the changes you made in your retelling of your retelling of your story! I would maybe suggest changing the title that appears at the top of the page to Kooni or something similar. I think 'story 1' can be confusing when someone is trying to navigate your portfolio. You really want to catch the readers eye. Maybe they are familiar with the story you are retelling and what to hear your version of it! Having a title that can grab their attention would be very beneficial! However, your story was great. I greatly enjoyed the first person perspective point of view it is told from. It is always so interesting to see these stories told from first person, as it is so rarely done. I enjoy it because it makes me feel like I know the characters better. Good luck on the rest of your portfolio! You are off to a great start!
Hi Miriam,
ReplyDeleteI thoroughly enjoyed the first story that you included in your portfolio. It gave me an entirely different perspective on the character of Kooni. When reading the Ramayana, I hadn't liked her. I thought that she was vicious, and just trying to cause difficulty and drama to be difficult. Your variation gave me an entirely different take on the character. She became much more sympathetic. Her motivation seemed more about protecting her beloved mistress that about being a back stabby jerk. If I were to make a suggestion, it would probably be to see if there was a way to incorporate more details about how Kooni was treated by the other people in the palace. Maybe show Rama being mean to her, or just dismissive. It would give support for reasons that she might believe Rama himself would be a bad king, in addition to her belief that the kingship was Bharata's birthright. Overall, I think it was a really good story. I'm looking forward to reading more!
Hi, Miriam!
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed reading your first story. I like how you told the story in the perspective of Kooni. It changed some of my opinions about Kaikeyi. By reading how nice Kaikeyi was to accept Kooni when everyone else treats her as she was a freak, I realize that I was wrong about Kaikeyi. She is a nice queen. I am glad that you explored it in details. When I read the part A of the reading, I totally thought she was the meanest one by asking the King Dasaratha to send his own son into exile. After reading your story, I now know that Kooni is actually the one that planned everything. It also shows that she was very loyal to the queen as a servant. There is one thing I want to suggest. I agree with Kayleigh that you could maybe change the title of the page a little bit. It will be easier for the readers to navigate through your storybook. I was a little confused when I first open your page.
Hi Miriam! I liked the new point of view you gave for your story. As far as the story goes it really switched around my view of Kaikeyi. The original story made her out to be a mean, selfish queen for getting Rama sent into exile. Your story really gives a great new perspective to the entire story. If you decide to go back and edit it at all I would recommend maybe adding a little bit more to the story. Maybe add a paragraph to add to the description you already gave of Kaikeyi and Kooni's relationship with another scene besides how they met and then going straight into the plot. Just a thought though. I also would agree with some of the other comments and say that the layout could use some more detail to aid in navigating the site. Maybe a new title besides just 'Portfolio' also. Overall very good story and site!
ReplyDeleteHi, Miriam! I really enjoy the point of view that you took in your story. I think it adds perspective not only into the nature of Kooni, but also into the nature of Kaikeyi, who tends to have a very bad reputation in the Ramayana as a result of her choice to get Rama exiled. Many people tend to tell the story from Kaikeyi's view, but, by telling it from Kooni's view, you can help delve into reasons behind Kaikeyi's thinking. One suggestion that I have is for you to add more of a preface for why and how Kaikeyi and Kooni became so close. Although you do talk about it, adding more of a preface can help the reader understand why Kooni had so much influence over Kaikeyi. You could also add more pictures, and, perhaps, a background to your website, as well. Great job!
ReplyDeleteHello Miriam!
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed reading your story. In your future stories, I think it would be more beneficial if you added more visual details like when you said Kaikeyi is very beautiful. Describing what people look like and what the setting looks like is always a great way to get the audience engaged in what you are trying to paint as an author. I like you you changed how the character is portrayed in your story. It is always good when the author can take a story and make the audience see another perspective! Overall, you did great. My advice would to be add details and make your story flow a little bit more.
Hey Miriam! I loved your take on the story and thought the perspective you told it from was great!
ReplyDeleteI did come across a couple of things when I was reading. The first thing I noticed was that in the sentence "she nursed him back to health and he granted her two requests" there should be a comma before the word 'and' because it is separating two separate thoughts. Then later on in the story I couldn't really tell if the two characters were friends, or if queen Kaikeyi just felt bad for her. I would have loved to have seen more interactions between these two characters to establish their relationship more clearly.
Also, I think it may be helpful to add a link to your comment wall on your site so that it is easier for us to commit about the story. I had to search for your blog on the directory. It may even liven up your portfolio more if you add some of your personality to the home page by giving an intro and changing your title!
great job! can't wait to see how your site turns out :)
Hey Miriam- I like the openness of your website. It's very clean and free of any access. I tried to make mine look a little more clean this week. I will say that your menu was a little bit hard to find, so maybe find a way to make that more accessible. As for the story, it seems like you didn't really change anything except the frame of reference. I don't really think I can give any critiques on the story- so maybe you can try to make it your own somehow. Change a few more details. Don't mistake me, you rewrote the story beautifully, but it's got nothing really original about it. I wrote a story over the Golden Deer as well, and you can actually see it on my blog if you want to see what I mean. But overall, I think the story is fine. Good luck this week, and I look forward to checking in in about a week or so!
ReplyDeleteMiriam!
ReplyDeleteI got so excited when the randomizer chose your portfolio to look at again. I really enjoyed your story last week and knew I'd enjoy it this week too! I read Sita's Golden Deer and really enjoyed the story being told from Sita's perspective. You were very descriptive with the story which made for great imagery! I did notice a couple of grammatical things which I'll comment on below, but I really loved reading your story!!
- "I was outside, tending to our Gard and enjoying he peaceful sounds of the forest, when I saw it." I think you meant to put 'the' where it says 'he'.
- " My beautiful golden dear". Since there are two adjectives next to each other there should be a comma between beautiful and golden.
-"Loved each other very much and their bond was deep." Comma before and.
-"dropped the wooden cup I was holding and the echo..." Comma before and
Great job! Can't wait to revisit your portfolio!
Hi Miriam!
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed reading both of your stories. You are a very talented writer, so I am glad that you chose to do a portfolio. I like that you take a different approach during your stories, such as looking at a different point of view than what was given in the initial readings. I also like that you tend to stick with the main theme of the original stories as it makes for a nice review.
As Briana said, there are a few typos throughout the stories. Aside from that, you could maybe add why Kaikeyi had to nurse the king back to heath in the first story, but it looks good either way.
I would suggest adding a link to your comment blog on the home page of your project. It seems to be a little bare right now, and while not big, it would at least be something.
Great job so far! I'm looking forward to seeing how this progresses.
Hey Miriam! First, I have to say I found the story of Kooni to be extremely intriguing and clever. I love that the situations are all switched, and Kooni seems like the good guy in the story and Rama is the mean-spirited villain. We get to see a side of Rama that I doubt we'd ever get to see in the Ramayana about our hero. You went very in depth with your story about a minor character and I always think that makes for a great and eye-opening story.
ReplyDeleteSecond, I love the picture you used for your second story. Rama and Lakshmana look very sexy! I liked that you ended your story on a cliffhanger, even though we may know what comes next. I liked finally hearing from Sita's inner voice.
I would like to see an introduction that ties your stories together! Are they all related somehow? What's the backstory to your portfolio?
Hey Miriam!
ReplyDeleteYour portfolio layout is great and easily navigable. I love the picture choices for all 3 pages you've created thus far. I also like your comment wall background!
Content wise, I was so entertained reading both of your stories thus far, and you started both of them out with such strong introductory paragraphs.
Learning more about Kooni's background was great, because yes, a lot of it was left out in the reading. She's a great character, and I enjoy that you really brought her to life with first person and gave her a reason for wanting Rama exiled in the process.
I also enjoyed the first person accounts in Sita's Golden Deer as well. The dialogue works great here, and really helps to filter the thoughts of Sita! Also, I love when stories are left off with a cliffhanger. I can't wait to see your portfolio as you continue to add stories.
Great job!
Miriam, your first story "Kooni," is really a nice take and perspective for the stories. I believe I remember reading another story that involved this version, yet they incorporated Karma into the reason why Rama was exiled. I was shocked by how you had Rama be so rude towards Kooni, but it definitely gave for a better motive of having Kaikeyi give the King his options of whether to exile Rama or not. It makes me wonder where Sita had been this whole time, as she is exiled with Rama in the origins. Moving onto your 2nd story of "Sita's Golden Deer," I remember reading your original story before placing it into this portfolio for revisions. You have definitely made some slight changes and added in some details which gave it more depth and effect. There were some issues of tenses and spelling, but otherwise it was a great improvement! Great job on each story!
ReplyDeleteHello, Miriam!
ReplyDeleteSo I am actually taking the myth-folklore side of this course so your portfolio was my first introduction to Indian Epics. I must say I am impressed with your stories! Although I was unfamiliar with the original stories, you did a great job at explaining the characters and describing what was happening.
I honestly had to reread the stories to come up with questions and comments since they were so well-written to begin with. I guess one question I had is the timeline of the two stories. In the first story it left off with Kooni trying to find Kaikeyi to convince her to use her two request to exile Rama and put her son on the throne. I read the next story as being post exile, but I was wondering if Rama had been married the whole time or fell in love with Sita after he was exiled.
Anyways, Great work!
Hi Miriam!
ReplyDeleteYour portfolio looks really great! Your design was really clean and easy to read. I would suggest picking some pictures that maybe stand out more. I liked the picture on your home page because the colors were a little brighter but they were a little paler for your stories. As for the content of stories, I do not have much critique. I really enjoyed reading them and I think you have a really cool writing style. I think your first story might be a little easier to read if some of the bigger paragraphs were broken up a little bit. That may just be personal preference though. Your stories really were great though and I thought you did a really good job with your descriptions. I liked the slight changes you made to the original stories. It made them very interesting. I look forward to reading more of your work later on!
Hi Miriam!
ReplyDeleteI loved getting to read through your portfolio. The design made it all very easy on the eyes, and it was so nice to read the tales from stories we've read in class from a first person perspective. It makes the stories so much more personal and relatable, and you get to see the emotions and motivations of the characters from a much closer perspective. Even with the fantastic clarity in your rewritten stories, it was still nice to have such clear author's notes to explain the background of the stories that you adapted yours from and to remind the reader (me) what happened all those weeks ago. The author's notes have a good amount of information, not too much and not too little, which just makes them better. I think one of my favorite parts was Kooni being the central character of the first story, despite her deformity and her low status. So many of the epics focus only on kins and gods, and so it was nice to see someone more common featured in a tale.
Miriam, I had never read any of your Portfolio stories before today, and I am glad that I happened upon them. I found your first story, Kooni, to be very interesting. The way you opened with questions directed as the reader makes the story more relatable to your audience. Perhaps your readers really can relate to having a friend who is very beautiful, but daft at the same time. Even though I do not have a friend like this, I can easily picture the type of person that you are describing. It was then great to read that Kooni was very different than her beautiful friend and knew that she was unattractive and made fun of for it. Being able to state such things about oneself makes me think that Kooni must be a very strong character. I also thought that it was interesting to present a completely different side to Rama than what we have seen before. Throughout various readings, Rama had been presented as goodly and respectable. Your main character views him in a totally different light, which makes the tale intriguing. Good job on this!
ReplyDeleteHey Miriam! I loved your writing style in all of your stories! It flows so well and I love that you always use first person! It makes the text even more engaging and your way of portraying each character was very true to how they were portrayed in the Ramayana and Mahabharata. I like that you gave a background for Kooni's hatred for Rama. I also like that you incorporated Sita's thoughts and her feelings of guilt in the second story you wrote, because it shows how she understood where she went wrong. It is also very relatable because I feel like we all do that when we make a mistake; we lie there thinking about it and regretting it and we have all been in a situation like Sita's, where we can't do anything to fix it at the moment. Lastly, I like your story about Amba, Ambalika, and Ambika. I was confused on why Bhishma took the three women and was going to force them to marry his brothers as well. She seems very bent on taking revenge on Bhishma and Shalva. Overall, I loved your portfolio stories! Great job!!!
ReplyDeleteHi Miriam!
ReplyDeleteI am so glad that I got to read through your portfolio. I had previously read "Prince Bhishma must die" when you originally posted it as a story post on your blog and was excited to read more of your work. I particularly liked your first story "Kooni". I thought you put a really clever spin on the original narrative when you played up some of Rama's flaws (which are more evident later in the original story) and the queen's virtues, and made the reader feel a lot of empathy for Kooni. I think that the overall result was a compelling narrative that makes the reader feel as though the queen's demand were very just and that Kooni was right to encourage her to make those demands. I didn't notice any spelling or grammar errors and really enjoyed the layout of your site. Great job and I am again, so glad that if found your portfolio!
-Elizabeth